Masochism is popularly associated with BDSM (also known as Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadochism and Masochism); a sexual masochist is someone who likes pain as part of sexual activity, which can be a healthy and empowering kink. The psychological masochist is someone who looks for ways to torment themselves in their day-to-day. To know if someone is a masochist, we’ve broken down some common masochistic behaviors, traits, and tendencies. Saying no is not selfish or unkind—it’s an act of radical self-care. It’s a way to communicate that you’re not able to say yes without inflicting literal or metaphorical pain upon yourself. If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, pause and take a breather. Does your inclination to say yes come from a desire to please someone or seek approval? Check your motivations and give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness. You won’t let yourself “cheat” on your diet, even when it’s your birthday. You beat yourself up when you have too much to drink, and gaining five pounds turns you into a self-berating exercise tyrant. Ease up. While there’s nothing wrong with discipline and good intentions, our quirks, eccentricities, triumphs, and mistakes are what make us so beautifully human. Check your motivations any time you’re called on for a favor, especially those that require you to sacrifice a lot of yourself. If you’re driven by feelings of unworthiness that lead you to overcompensate, or by a fear of disappointing someone, go inward. Soothe the part of you that yearns to rescue, and rescue yourself this time instead. Just like biceps, your receiving muscles need exercise. Try giving yourself what psychologist Anne Davin, Ph.D., calls a “beauty bath.” Treat yourself to beauty in all forms—beautiful music, aromatherapy oils, a Rumi poem, fresh flowers, a symphony. Overdo it. Practice drinking in all the beauty instead of resisting it. We all deserve blessings—you do too. Break the pattern now, and choose to spare yourself the heartbreak and disappointment you’ll inevitably feel when you keep choosing to be the Echo to someone’s Narcissus. Be soft and yielding but also fierce and strong. It’s possible to be multifaceted and embrace all sides of you—and that includes a side that won’t be taken advantage of. It’s a surefire way to turn masochism into self-love and self-respect. Give your soul permission to be imperfect. It needs room to experiment, screw up, learn the hard way, and ultimately rise above it. Spiritual bypassing—masking emotions by shifting your energy or monitoring your thoughts—always comes back to bite you. While it may help you avoid painful emotions in the short term, suppressing yourself is a soul-splintering sort of masochism. Try to feel what you feel without holding back or judging any emotion as “wrong.” Resist nothing. You’ll be surprised by how quickly most painful emotions pass when you relax into them. Give yourself permission to prioritize the people and situations that cultivate the stillness in you. Do you find yourself bored when life flows with ease? Do you have a story that says that everything good in life comes alongside pain? Well, it’s time to rewrite the story. Allow yourself to experience infinite blessings without undue pain. Just think of this as a time to look inward and work on yourself—most of us have tendencies that result in some form of self-sabotage, and now you’ve identified a few of yours. Now all you need to do is take some proactive steps and show yourself a little love.
