In attachment theory, there are four categories of attachment for adults: secure, avoidant, anxious, and anxious-avoidant. If our needs aren’t met in a relationship, we find ways of either not needing someone to fulfill them (avoidant) or the need for love becomes all-consuming (anxious). Some of us are a mix of the two (anxious-avoidants, also called disorganized), who fluctuate between building walls and being fiercely independent, and being overly concerned with our partners’ needs and doing anything to keep them close. These attachment styles develop depending upon the caretaking we experienced in early childhood, as well as our intrinsic personalities and life experiences. The truth is, attachment is way, way more complex than how we’ve been understanding it. Here are a few important clarifications about attachment styles that can help us understand attachment to be more of a spectrum we fluctuate across, which makes a lot more space for our natural variability as humans and can help us foster more compassion about who we are in our relationships: The truth is, as with many other parts of us, we are very rarely all one thing. If our caregivers were inconsistent or the context of our childhood was unpredictable, we can develop multiple attachment styles. If we had some caregivers who we could safely attach to and others who we had to be anxious or avoidant with, we develop many attachment styles. If we find safety and love later in life, boom! A new attachment style also emerges1. And the context is so important! The particular relationship we are in affects the attachment style that comes to the surface. When we feel safe, maybe a more vulnerable, secure part of us shows up. When we feel rejected or scared, our anxious part might take over, needing assurance and affirmations. Or when a partner isn’t letting us grow and needs us to the point of codependency, we may become more avoidant. There certainly may be a way you tend to show up in relationships, and it can be helpful to know what that is. But just keep in mind, that may not be the only way you are all the time. Having one of your attachment styles (because, as noted above, you can and probably do have more than one!) be more insecure doesn’t automatically mean your parents were unreliable or abusive. Maybe they were; maybe they weren’t. But either way, there are many other things that contribute to your attachment style. It might include abuse from other people outside your caregivers, bullying, childhood experiences with immigration, growing up as a person of color in a white-centric world, losing a parent to death or incarceration…and the list goes on. For example, maybe your parent was incredibly loving and consistent, then they had to be in the hospital for medical treatments, and you didn’t get to have them in the home for an extended period of time. Because of this multifaceted experience, you might develop a more anxious or avoidant attachment on top of the secure one you already had. Attachment disruptions occur when we don’t feel heard or understood. When we are hurt. When we are separated from our families. When we feel like we can’t be our true selves. When our caregivers don’t fully accept us. Our attachment styles are also deeply influenced by our first relationships, friendship, and romantic. And we are young, so we very rarely know what we want or need from those relationships and can often end up crossing our own boundaries and getting hurt in a way that leaves an imprint. Too much happens in our lives to be secure all the time 24/7, and saying it’s attainable just sets us up to feel ashamed about what “style” shows up in our relationships. Healing your attachment styles takes time. It can take years for us to unlearn old patterns of love that were literally programmed into our brains when we were so little. Be patient with and kind to yourself. The first step to changing and healing is knowing more and then being gentle with yourself.
